Updated: Apr 26
I worked in the corporate world. I did the 9 to 5. I shook hands. I Mingled. I built knowledge and respect. I knew the ins and outs of whom to talk to if something needed to get done. Whom to reach out to and who to be cautious around. Who could be trusted, and who was looking to run the next gossip train?
It was all just a game of whom one could impress to get to the top. I watched bullies rise and weak fall. I saw blind eyes turn to issues that should have been addressed. The cruelty that had been displayed by some so that they felt like they could puff their chest with confidence that those around them were really under them.
The blatant disregard towards each other's feelings and emotions left me feeling drained more than I wanted to acknowledge. The pain in people's eyes that they smiled through and the cubicle walls they cried and stressed behind. It wore me down, and severe repercussions of the lack of attention to myself were starting to mount in ways I would soon regret.
My health diminished. My mind hazed, and my emotions jammed down in an attempt to hide any flaws or cracks. I eventually broke!
I was forced down a path of self-recognition that was very quickly ushered in by depression. Too many emotions had been ignored. Too many incidents slid off my back. I was on overload!
I was forced to take a cold hard look at the person I was and the person I was meant to be. For two and a half years, I spent re-evaluating and reassembling the pieces of myself, removing the ones that didn't fit and dusting off those that had been neglected.
Then, and only then, was I able to look at myself from a place of rock bottom and slowly rebuild by choosing slowly and carefully only the pieces that brought me joy and spoke to who I truly was and wanted to become. I found my smile, and I found my health. I was happy… Or so I thought!
With this newfound confidence, I threw myself back into work. I went back into the lion's den of the corporate world just to quickly feel the reminder of what I collapsed under, what I could bear no longer. I struggled even harder this time. Why? Because I gave power to a part of myself that I never thought I would. I found who I really wanted to be and what I truly wanted to do, and this, this savage beast of a machine running on the blood, sweat, and tears of those around me, wasn't anything I wanted part of any longer.
For some, this may be a dream! A genuine desire that fills their heart but for me, it wasn't. It was more than I could allow myself to be part of. I didn't belong. I didn't fit the mold.
I left knowing that it wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be the best decision I could have ever made. Why? Because I found my joy!