You came with little notice. The intense fury of the moment swirled around me with the confusion of words that blurred with each intense burst of pressure and pain. Despite the testing of my limits, It didn't take long for time to stop the moment I set eyes on you, leaving me in awe. Captivated by this precious little soul, I had been entrusted with.
Sleepless nights left me more exhausted than I've ever felt, but I never left your side and loved every moment. Every giggle. Every smile. Doing what I could to capture as many moments as possible to keep them frozen in time like they never ended.
As you grew, times got tough, but the love was always there. I wept silently to keep you safe and jumped into action when called. Never failing even when better judgment should have been considered, but your smile and presence took precedence. I allowed you to have a life with boundless limits and boundaries broken. The promise of a grounding fell through as my heart cracked with each of your falling tears.
I gave you the best birthday parties I could. The best Christmas' and Halloweens. Each holiday bursting with as much joy as I could provide. I enrolled you in every activity you wanted. I watched every practice and cheered at every game. I watched you from your first jump into the pool to your first lesson in saving a drowning victim. The talent shows and school trips: the playdates and the hangouts. I tried to soak them all in as much as I could in fear of missing a moment with my most precious blessing. I held you tight on movie night. I read your bedtime stories and did whatever ridiculous thing needed to ensure that beautiful smile never left your face. We were so close and intertwined that I thought this love would last an eternity.
Now here we are today. You don't want to hug. You don't want to touch. I respect your boundaries and remind myself that one day you'll wrap your arms around me again. I want you to know yourself and what's best for you. I want you to find your confidence and your voice. I want you to experience and grow and learn. But most of all, I want you to know that no matter what happens in this life, you will always have me to fall back on should you ever need it.
I am flawed, and with that came mistakes. The most important lesson is to continuously learn from those mistakes and focus on the future and what we will do better with this newfound growth. There are lessons and appreciation that will only happen once you become a parent yourself. I patiently wait for that day and for you to come back to me with arms wide open.
I never claimed to be perfect. I just wanted everything to be perfect for you!
Theresa Porter