As a child, I experienced more hurts than I could wrap my mind around. As I grew, these events and moments in time molded me. They created an insecure, sad, depressed, lonely, impressionable girl who longed for something to fill a void that she didn't understand herself. And in that began my journey.
See, I see it that as we grow, we gather these moments and experiences, words and conversations, and store them inside ourselves. We create whom we think we are supposed to be or need to be based on witnessing these moments, expressions of others, and opinions of what we need to do, be and have from our viewpoint. This was made most clear to me when I first lived alone.
When I obtained my first apartment, how I decorated it, presented it, and lived in it was all based on how I saw others behaving in their homes. Doing what I thought I was supposed to. Not setting boundaries. Not displaying things or having items set in a way that truly brought me joy, but as others would have expected. As happy as I was the first time I set foot into the apartment after using my key to open the door, it quickly faded.
I allowed others to intrude on my space, disrespect it (ultimately disrespecting myself), and leave their burdens behind to make it so that my "happy home" quickly became a burden all too familiar...familiar to my childhood home!
You see, It all stemmed back to those first creations of myself from those first years that told me who I wasn't, what I wasn't, and where I would never be able to go. I allowed others to set my standards. I allowed them to tell me who I was. Ultimately setting myself up for an inevitable failure!
What I truly needed to do, was not take on all these hurts, expectations, and opinions but pick from them the bits and pieces that resounded to me. I needed to see that I was not all that I had witnessed. I was merely present for the learning and expansion of my soul, just as one would be present in the forest to hear and see the tree fall, for without the presence and witness of that moment, it would never have happened. The tree would never have truly fallen. The rebirth and growth from that fallen tree would never have had the chance. The beauty that would have bloomed, never to see the light of day.
Ultimately, don't hold on to those learning and impactful moments but tweeze from them the beauty that is waiting to be witnessed so that it can flourish and grow because you are not the moment but merely a witness to its happening and it can only affect you and impact your life and mind as much as you permit it to do so. Allow yourself the time and permission to process and view it for what it is and not what you think it may have created. Remember, creation is the action or process of bringing something into existence. If you don't want to give something life, don't. Just like the tree, it can't be what we are not there to allow fully come to fruition.
Theresa Porter
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